Relay for Life took place on my mom’s birthday. Timing truly is everything.
So yesterday, when I saw a doctor for the first time in four years, he asked me
“Was Relay for Life a healing experience for you?”
I couldn’t say yes.
“I am not ready to get on the Ra Ra Let’s Beat Cancer train” I told him.
I need to win the battle for my own life before I can fight for others.
I don’t yet believe that I have any power to fight back against this force that has ravaged my life
so completely.
I still find myself wandering around amazed that life just keeps
going on.
Six months goes by and when I look back I realize how thinly veiled my grief has been.
I could have kept working, I could have done better in that Philosophy class.
I could have taken all this emotion and channeled it,
into art, into life, into raising money for research and treatment.
But I didn’t, and I can’t.
Because I am depressed.
And as it turns out, the first step towards fighting depression is not getting more exercise,
or eating healthy.
It is not drinking or smoking
or trying new, stronger things to stay emotionless.
The first step towards fighting depression is talking to a doctor. And I did.
And now I am on an antidepressant that I have no faith in but I am going to try it because if it works then I will get my life back.
And that’s all I really want right now.
~breath~
~breath~
~breath~
I just want to give you so much breath to deal with all of this.